Why do we so often get in our own way? This week on The Collective, we tackled one of the most frustrating and universal human experiences: “Self-Sabotage.” Joined by author and advocate Alana Stott MBE, we explored the hidden mechanics of why we shrink, hesitate, and pull back right when progress is within reach. The conversation was a raw and honest look at the childhood patterns, internalized stories, and deep-seated fears that keep us from becoming the people we say we want to be.
This Week’s Panel:
– Alana Stott MBE: Author of She Who Dares, anti-human trafficking advocate, and founder of the Blue Rose Foundation.
Key Insights from Our “Self-Sabotage” Discussion:
1. The Origin of Sabotage: A Conscious Act
Chance began with the etymology of “sabotage,” which comes from French workers throwing their wooden shoes (sabots) into machinery to jam it up. This framed our conversation around a crucial idea: at its root, sabotage is a conscious, deliberate act. This forces us to ask whether our own self-sabotaging behaviours are as unconscious as we like to believe.
2. Aware vs. Unaware Self-Sabotage
I made the distinction between the two states. When you’re a “beginner” at self-sabotage, you’re often unaware you’re even doing it. But as you grow and become more self-aware, you reach a point where you know you’re making a destructive choice. In that moment of awareness, choosing the destructive path anyway is a different, more profound level of self-sabotage.
3. The Fear of Success, Not Failure
Alana shared a powerful insight from her experience coaching people through challenges. Many people aren’t afraid of failing; they’re terrified of succeeding. They subconsciously create excuses and look for outs because the responsibility that comes with success is more intimidating than the comfort of staying where they are.
4. We Don’t Trust Good Things
Alana told the story of her father, who, after losing 20 pounds and feeling healthier while visiting her, immediately declared he couldn’t wait to get home and put the weight back on. His mindset was a perfect example of self-sabotage: he couldn’t accept a new, healthier reality because his identity was so tied to his old, unhealthy one. He was choosing the familiar misery over an unfamiliar good.
5. Self-Sabotage as Ego Protection
Chance proposed that self-sabotage is often a form of ego protection. By failing on our own terms—by procrastinating and not trying our hardest—we give ourselves a built-in excuse. We get to tell ourselves we could have succeeded if we’d really tried, protecting our ego from the possibility of giving our all and still coming up short.
6. It Starts with Family Dinners
As the conversation unfolded, and in the context of preventing child grooming, Alana offered a simple but profound antidote: have family dinners. A human trafficker looks for isolation. A child who has open, consistent communication with their family is a more challenging target. This beautifully illustrated how the patterns that prevent self-sabotage—connection, communication, and presence—are built in the small, consistent acts of daily life.
7. The Rebellion of the Unowned Goal
Alana shared the powerful story of a man who, after completing an arduous ibogaine treatment for addiction, immediately had a beer at the airport. His self-sabotage was an act of rebellion. The goal—to get clean—had been pushed on him by others, and his final act was to reject a healing he hadn’t truly chosen for himself. This reveals that self-sabotage is sometimes a subconscious effort to reclaim our own agency by destroying a goal that was never authentically ours to begin with.
8. An Illusion of Control
Who’s in control, you or the world? Alana revealed that her own self-sabotaging patterns often emerged when she felt a profound lack of control in other areas of her life. This highlights a deep paradox: we frequently engage in destructive behaviours because, in the short term, they give us a feeling of agency. We sabotage our long-term goals (health, success, relationships) to feel in command of our immediate present, trading authentic progress for a fleeting, false sense of power.
9. The Uniform of Self-Sabotage
Alana’s story of wearing impractical heels as a bank manager, a choice that made her less effective and even led to injury, perfectly illustrates how self-sabotage can be subconscious. We often adopt a “uniform”—a set of behaviours, beliefs, or a literal dress code—that we believe is required for a role, without realizing it’s actively undermining our ability to perform. This shows that some of our most damaging self-sabotage is hidden in plain sight, disguised as compliance or “professionalism.”
Final Thought: Self-sabotage is the gap between what you want and what you believe you deserve.
The cycle of self-sabotage is sometimes fueled by deep-seated beliefs about our own worthiness. Breaking it requires more than just awareness; it requires the courage to challenge those beliefs, to accept that you are worthy of success and happiness, and to deliberately choose actions that align with the life you truly want, even when they feel uncomfortable and unfamiliar.
Where are you getting in your own way?
Listen to the full “Self-Sabotage” discussion here: Self Sabotage
Keep choosing growth,
Shaun & The Collective Crew
