What if the story you tell yourself about being “broken” is the safest way to stay exactly where you are? This week on The Collective, we tackled the uncomfortable but essential topic of “Safe Narratives.” Joined by former Delta Force operator Tyler Grey and former RCMP ERT Sergeant Major Seb Lavoie, we unpacked the comfortable stories we use to avoid accountability, justify stagnation, and stay loyal to an identity that no longer serves us. The conversation was a direct and unfiltered look at the excuses we make and the responsibility we must take to write a better story for ourselves.
This Week’s Panel:
– Tyler Grey: Former Delta Force operator, actor, and author of Forged in Chaos.
– Seb Lavoie: Retired RCMP ERT Sgt. Major, BJJ black belt, and performance coach.
Key Insights from Our “Safe Narratives” Discussion:
1. “I’m Smart, Therefore I Can’t Have a TBI”
Tyler kicked things off with a powerful personal example of a safe narrative. For years, he ignored the signs of a Traumatic Brain Injury because he had built an identity around being “smart” to counteract a childhood teacher calling him stupid. Admitting he had a TBI would have threatened that core narrative. This perfectly illustrated how our safe narratives are designed to protect a deeply held, often fragile, identity.
2. We Take Credit for Things We Don’t Control
Seb pointed out that we often build safe narratives around our successes by taking credit for things beyond our control. We tell ourselves we passed a difficult course because we’re “the man,” conveniently forgetting the luck, the timing, and the simple fact that we didn’t roll an ankle when others did. This dishonest accounting inflates our ego and prevents true self-awareness.
3. The Unsteady Narrative is the Authentic One
I argued that I’m not interested in “safe narratives” from people; I’m drawn to the “unsteady” ones. The person who is still figuring things out, who is open about their struggles and their evolution, is far more compelling and authentic than the one who presents a polished, finished product. The grit and the dirt are where the real story is.
4. PTSD is a Symptom, Not the Disease
Tyler made a powerful, logical case that PTSD is not the root cause of the veteran suicide crisis. He argued that the core issues are the loss of identity, purpose, self-worth, and community—four things that are not addressed by a PTSD diagnosis. The “I have PTSD” narrative, while valid, can become a safe story that prevents us from digging deeper to find the true underlying “disease.”
5. You Have to Rewrite the Narrative of a Child
Tyler explained that many of our core narratives are written by a child’s mind, with a child’s limited perspective. A huge part of growing up is realizing this and consciously choosing to rewrite that story through the lens of an adult who knows more. You have to challenge the “facts” you’ve held as true your whole life.
6. Veterans Aren’t Victims
Tyler stated unequivocally: “Veterans aren’t victims.” The moment you adopt a victim mentality, you give away your power to change your situation. You place the responsibility for your healing on an external entity—the VA, the system, your past—that is never going to fix it for you. Taking responsibility for your own narrative is the first step to reclaiming your power.
7. The Self-Audit: Where is This Narrative Coming From?
Seb offered a practical tool for auditing our narratives: conduct a self-audit. Ask yourself: Is this story coming from me, or is it a projection? What purpose does it serve? Is it helping me grow, or is it just a comfortable story that’s keeping me stuck? This kind of ruthless introspection is necessary to break free from limiting beliefs.
8. The “Others Have It Worse” Narrative
Seb pointed out one of the most common and insidious safe narratives in the veteran community: downplaying your own struggles because “others have it worse.” This story masquerades as humility and toughness, but it’s a form of self-sabotage. By constantly comparing your pain to a more extreme example, you give yourself a safe excuse to never address your own issues, trapping yourself in a cycle of avoidance while feeling noble for doing so.
9. The System’s Failure to “Reverse Brainwash”
Tyler delivered a powerful breakdown of how military service creates a fundamental narrative conflict. The system “brainwashes” you to be team-first, to sacrifice your individuality, and to never ask for help. But then, as he pointed out, there is no “out-camp” to reverse that programming. Veterans are discharged into an individualistic world without the tools to rebuild a sense of self-worth, clinging to the safe narrative of “I must serve the team,” even when the team is gone.
Final Thought: Your narrative is a choice, not a life sentence.
The stories we tell ourselves about who we are and what we’ve been through are incredibly powerful. They can be a prison that keeps us locked in the past, or they can be the fuel that propels us into the future. The ultimate act of personal responsibility is to recognize that you are the author of your own story, and you have the power to write a new chapter whenever you choose.
What safe narrative are you holding onto?
Listen to the full “Safe Narratives” discussion here: Safe Narratives
Keep writing your story,
Shaun & The Collective Crew
