Hey Collective Crew, Shaun here. What does masculinity mean in today’s world? and is it evolving, misunderstood, or both? On The Collective this week, an incredible panel – Dr. Kate Pate, Alana Stott, and Pat Miller – joined Chance and me for a powerful and timely conversation about masculinity in modern society.
The conversation journeyed far beyond simple definitions, navigating the complex interplay between biology and social constructs, the necessity of rites of passage, the balance of masculine and feminine energies within us all, and the urgent need for healthy role models in a world saturated with distorted online personas.
This Week’s Voices on Masculinity:
– Dr. Kate Pate: Neurophysiologist and advocate for veteran wellness, bringing scientific and psychological insight into how masculine identity is shaped.
– Alana Stott: Philanthropist, author, and global security advocate, offering a direct yet compassionate perspective on how women can challenge, support, and redefine masculinity alongside men.
– Pat Miller: Former Canadian Special Operations, now photographer and film armourer, bringing personal experience from a life of quiet strength, discipline, and introspection.
Key Insights from Our Masculinity Discussion:
1. Defining Masculinity: Beyond Maleness, Towards a More Dynamic Balance
Our conversation began by wrestling with the very definition of masculinity, acknowledging it’s a dynamic concept, not a static one. Dr. Kate Pate provided a crucial scientific and psychological framework, distinguishing biological maleness (sex differences) from masculinity as a collection of traits and energies. She described these masculine traits as being fundamentally “agency-oriented” – geared towards action, independence, protection, and influencing one’s environment. This was contrasted with feminine traits, which are more “communion-oriented” – focused on connection, nurturing, and social harmony. Crucially, she emphasized that these traits exist on a continuum within all of us, men and women alike. A healthy human being isn’t rigidly one or the other but has the flexibility to access both. Alana Stott beautifully reinforced this with the “Yin & Yang” analogy, sharing how her husband discovered his true masculine strength by embracing his feminine side, and how she, as a mother, can tap into a fierce masculine energy when necessary. This set the stage for our entire discussion: moving beyond rigid stereotypes to explore a more holistic, balanced, and adaptive understanding of what it means to be masculine. Let’s take a moment to break down what Dr. Pate is referring to in this portion of the podcast:
- “A collection of traits…”
This means “masculinity” isn’t just one single thing. It’s not just “being tough” or “providing money.” It’s a cluster of associated behaviors, energies, and characteristics. Think of it like a toolkit. The “masculine” toolkit might include tools like:
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- Assertiveness & Directness
- Competitiveness & Ambition
- Protectiveness & Provision
- Stoicism & Emotional Containment
- Action & Problem-Solving
- Independence & Self-Reliance
- “…often agency-oriented…”
This is a core psychological term. Agency is an individual’s capacity to act independently, to influence their environment, and to make their own choices. It’s about doing, pushing outward, making an impact, leading, and building. It is the drive to shape the world. This is contrasted with what she called Communion, which is the driving force behind feminine-associated traits. Communion is about connection, relationships, nurturing, collaboration, and social harmony. It’s about fostering bonds within the world. So, when she says masculine traits are “agency-oriented,” she means they are primarily focused on the self’s ability to act upon and influence its surroundings.
- “…that exist on a continuum…”
This is perhaps the most crucial part. It’s not a binary on/off switch where you are either “masculine” or “feminine.” It’s a sliding scale, a dimmer switch. In any given situation, a person might lean 80% on agency-oriented traits and 20% on communion-oriented ones, or vice versa. A healthy, adaptive individual can slide along this continuum as the situation demands. This is the “Yin & Yang” balance that Alana Stott also spoke so powerfully about.
- “…within both men and women.”
This is what shatters the old stereotypes. These toolkits (Agency and Communion) are available to everyone, regardless of biological sex. A woman can be highly “agentic” – a competitive CEO, a direct leader, a fierce protector. A man can be highly “communal” – an empathetic and nurturing father, a collaborative teammate, a skilled communicator. Separating the traits from the gender allows for a much more holistic and complete view of a human being.
2. The Loss of Rites of Passage & The Rise of Online Gurus
A powerful and recurring theme was the societal erosion of genuine rites of passage. Dr. Kate Pate provided crucial historical context, explaining that the term “toxic masculinity” was originally coined in the 1980s to describe an “immature masculinity” observed in young men who lacked strong father figures, mentors or structured rituals to guide them into manhood. This absence of mentorship and legitimate, earned transitions creates a profound void. I made the argument that today, this void is being filled by the internet itself, which has become a distorted and dangerous rite of passage. Young men, searching for guidance on what it means to be a man, are no longer looking to the wisdom of elders in their community but to the loudest, most extreme voices online. This is where the “triple alpha male” influencers thrive. They offer a simple, often materialistic and aggressive, illusionary shortcut to a version of masculinity that is performative and disconnected from the hard, character-building work of traditional crucibles. The rite of passage becomes about “getting big on the internet,” standing next to a rented Ferrari, and adopting a pre-packaged, aggressive persona. This creates a generation that values the appearance of strength over the earned, internal substance that real rites of passage were designed to forge. Alana reinforced this, pointing out how these figures sell a false promise – that Ferraris and cash are what attract women – because the value of real, authentic connections within families and communities have frayed.
3. The Yin & Yang Balance – Masculine & Feminine Energies
Both Alana and Dr. Pate emphasized the “Yin & Yang” balance of masculine and feminine energies within every individual. Alana shared how her husband, Dean, realized that to be in his “true masculine,” he had to connect with his feminine side. She also discussed how she powerfully demonstrates her own masculine energy when protecting her daughter. The goal isn’t to suppress one for the other, but to achieve a healthy, adaptive balance, as appropriate for the moment.
4. Provision as Presence, Not Just Paychecks
We challenged the modern, often purely monetary, definition of “provision.” Providing for the family. Providing to your partner or clan. Pat shared how he provides for his high-achieving partner by taking things off her plate and offering support when he can. I reflected on my own journey as a diaper changing stay-at-home dad in a world that didn’t understand that form of provision. True provision isn’t just about hunting an animal with a spear, to bring it back to the cave so the clan can survive another winter; it’s also about presence, being a safe harbor, and providing emotional support.
5. The “Handshake Moment” – Embodied Masculinity
I introduced a concept that moves beyond abstract definitions into tangible rites of passage experiences, like the “handshake moment.” I shared the story of my Uncle Shay in Ireland, whose powerful handshake was more than just a greeting; it was a crucible, a non-verbal test of presence, strength, and mutual respect. Over my many return trips back to Ireland, as I got older and stronger the handshake moment became a thing, it was a moment where two men looked each other in the eye and understood, without a word, “what was up.” This isn’t just about physical grip; it’s about being fully present and accountable in an interaction. Pat Miller beautifully echoed this with his own rite of passage: arm-wrestling his father. It wasn’t just a contest of strength, but a powerful, evolving dynamic that culminated in the moment he could finally match his old man, and see the pride in his father’s eyes. Recognizing these things as a passing of the torch. These kinds of “handshake moments” are powerful because they are embodied. They bypass intellectual posturing, and reveal the actual character in real-time. These small, personal rites of passage are important milestones in any young man’s life, they help communicate respect, measure growth, and forge a connection far deeper than words alone can achieve. They are where masculinity is felt, not just talked about.
6. The Disorder & Reorder of Masculinity
Dr. Kate Pate offered a brilliant paradigm using the Order/Disorder/Reorder phase process: as a society we are currently in a “disorder” phase regarding our understanding of masculinity, where old definitions are breaking down and confusion reigns. This chaotic phase, however, is a necessary precursor to a “reorder,” a new, more integrated societal understanding, which conversations like ours aim to facilitate.
7. The Lost Hierarchy – Accountability and the “Thumped Out” Correction
Pat Miller brought a raw and crucial perspective to the table, questioning what happened to the natural hierarchies where accountability was immediate and clear. He powerfully evoked the idea of a young Infantryman being “thumped out” when acting out of line – a metaphor for the direct, often harsh, feedback that corrects behavior and reinforces community standards. In structures like an Infantry platoon, there was a sense of clear order: Privates learned their place, and Corporals acted as “stewards” who enforced the standard, preventing issues from escalating up to the Senior NCO’s. This system provided a framework for learning and growth through direct consequence. Pat lamented that this has been lost, replaced by a digital landscape where there are no real stewards. I built on this, arguing that the modern internet hierarchy is a distortion, allowing unseasoned individuals to shortcut their way to a perceived “top” with the desperate need for too much validation but zero genuine accountability, thus creating a feedback loop where the most extreme voices thrive without being checked by the pack or an actual alpha wolf.
8. The Warrior’s New Path – From Physicality to Philosophy, Hunting New Frontiers
My final reflection was on the necessary evolution of the warrior spirit. As we age, the definition of our strength must expand beyond the physical – the “biceps and bullets” of our youth – into a more holistic three-dimensional expression. This means engaging our intellect, our emotions, and our spirit with equal intensity. For the men out there who still feel that primal urge for the challenge, for the hunt, I offered a new directive: “Hunt a blank sheet of paper.” Dive into the difficult, demanding work of writing, of philosophical exploration, of creating something from your internal world. This is the modern warrior’s crucible – a different kind of battlefield that tests wisdom, builds legacy, and requires a profound and evolving form of masculinity.
Final Thought – Masculinity is a Rubik’s Cube, Not a Brick
Masculinity, at its best, is not a rigid, one-dimensional brick defined by outdated stereotypes. It’s a complex, dynamic Rubik’s Cube with many facets – strength, vulnerability, agency, communion, stoicism, and emotional expression. The journey of a man is to constantly turn that cube, to explore its different sides, to twist and turn it to learn its patterns, and to strive for a holistic, authentic alignment, not a simple, one-sided thick-brick solution.
What side of your cube are you exploring today?
Listen to the full “Masculinity” discussion here: Masculinity
Stay strong, stay balanced,
Shaun & The Collective Crew
