What does true friendship look like, especially for those who have spent their lives in high-stress, team-oriented environments? This week on The Collective, we went deep into the complex world of “Friendship.” Joined by two long-serving RCMP members, Seb Lavoie and Rob Farrer, we moved beyond surface-level definitions to explore how these crucial bonds are formed, maintained, and how they evolve. The conversation was a raw and honest look at trust, accountability, and the unspoken rules of connection.
This Week’s Panel:
– Seb Lavoie: Retired RCMP ERT Sgt. Major, jiu-jitsu black belt, and performance coach.
– Rob Farrer: Long-serving RCMP member and representative with the National Police Federation.
Key Insights from Our “Friendship” Discussion:
1. Friendship is an Active Choice
Rob kicked things off by highlighting the word “preference” in the definition of a friend. This reframes friendship not as a passive occurrence, but as an active, ongoing choice. You don’t just happen to have friends; you prefer to be around them, and you must actively participate in the relationship to maintain it.
2. Friendship is Established in Milliseconds
I argued that friendship isn’t just built over decades; it’s often established in the first milliseconds of meeting someone. Through unconscious micro-cues, resonant signals, and an almost energetic exchange, we make an initial “friend or foe” assessment. The rest of the relationship is simply the process of confirming and deepening that initial feeling.
3. Trust the Circle
Seb explained the power of “recognition bias” within a trusted circle. When a good friend with sound judgment vouches for someone, it bypasses our usual defensive layers. We can trust their assessment because we trust them. This is why the quality of your inner circle is paramount; their network becomes an extension of your own.
4. The “Brother” Dilemma
We tackled the overuse of the word “brother” in the service community. While often well-intentioned, throwing the word around casually devalues it. I made the point that for many, “brother” is the highest level of friendship, earned through shared hardship and deep trust, not just a shared uniform. Its casual use can feel like a foot in the door to a club you haven’t earned entry to.
5. True Friends Don’t Require Constant Maintenance
Seb beautifully articulated the nature of deep, established friendships. He and Rob can go months without talking, but the connection remains solid. There’s an unspoken understanding and trust that doesn’t require daily check-ins. These are the relationships that give you energy rather than drain your bandwidth.
6. The Danger of “Systemic Wisdom”
I shared the story of an RSM telling me that, upon promotion, I could no longer be friends with my subordinates. This “systemic wisdom”—trite, lazy advice passed down without critical thought—is often damaging. It forces a false choice between leadership and friendship, ignoring the nuanced reality that great leaders often have friends across and through rank structure.
7. Humility and Authenticity are the Foundation
A recurring theme was that true friendship, especially in leadership roles, is built on humility and authenticity. It’s the ability to admit when you’re wrong, to be secure enough to not feel threatened by another’s success, and to be the same person in and out of uniform. As Seb put it, these are the “angular stones” upon which real connection is built.
8. The Power Dynamic Can Be Navigated
Rob also directly addressed the challenge of maintaining friendships through promotions and changes in power dynamics. He pushed back on the “lazy excuse” that you can’t be a friend and a boss simultaneously. He argued that it’s not an either/or choice. A true leader—and a true friend—should be able to navigate both roles, providing direction and accountability while still maintaining a genuine human connection. The inability to do so, he suggested, is a limitation of the leader, not a fundamental rule of friendship.
Final Thought: True friendship is a shared commitment to a higher standard.
It goes beyond shared interests or proximity. It is built on a foundation of shared values, earned trust, and a reciprocal commitment to holding each other accountable. It is a relationship where you not only prefer to be around the person, but you are actively invested in helping them become the best version of themselves.
Who in your circle have you actively chosen?
Listen to the full “Friendship” discussion here: Friendship
Keep connecting,
Shaun & The Collective Crew
